I Still Can't Explain

This is one of my most personal blogs, but here it goes...

June 27th, 2010

Lately, for a while now I should say, I have been in a weird state. I have been feeling sadness thinking about the anniversary of my decision to leave my whole world behind. June 27th, 2010 was the exact date that changed my life forever.

It had been a while since I had been as happy and content I knew I once had been. Thinking of it now, I'm not quite sure what sparked all my decisions going forward, but I woke up one night at 2 a.m. and decided that I was going to make drastic changes and never look back. To be perfectly honnest, it was the hardest thing I ever had to do, leaving my whole life including my boyfriend at the time. I couldn't bare to continue living the illusion I had been living, it was a lie to myself. I knew in my heart, despite it all, that it was the right decision for me.

It all started the day before June 26th, 2010. I woke up as usual for work that morning at the health clinic I loved so much. I did my yoga and meditation before getting ready for a charged day. Practicing Public Relations was the highlight of my life. I really felt like I had made it. I walked to work with my green tea and got to business. My friend had come by the clinic that day to pick up something for the gym and had asked me to have a girls night later that evening. I agreed eagerly and said I would pick up a couple things in anticipation. It was about the middle of our College vacation and we were way over due.

That night brought a lot of laughter and we shared many stories. Among the ones I shared was that my semingly perfect life to the public, was falling through the cracks. I hadn't been happy in months and it felt good admitting it to myself. Along the years, being in a relationship, I had lost a lot of myself. He's all I ever knew, but something just wasn't right...and I knew that in my heart. I didn't want to diagnose myself and make a rash decision that could alter my life in a negative way, but I couldn't keep living like I had either. I knew where I wanted to go and I knew that he wanted something different. The years I spent with him were the best years of my life at the time. I would of never been able to do it without him, but it was time to move on to bigger and better things.

After my friend left, I went to bed stronger than ever. I woke up at 2 a.m. June 27th, 2010 and knew what I had to do. So I prayed before going forward with my decision for strenght and did what I had to do. I felt as though the weight of the world was lifted off my shoulders and I could breathe again. I had a clear vision for my future and felt a greater sense of purpose. Later that June 27th night I had another girls night and had the best time of my life. We went and celebrated my friend's birthday. It felt good living life once again and only having to think about myself. That day at work before going out I went to the book store and cleaned out the shelves of all traveling books, from all over the world. I knew I wanted to visit Europe and the Caribbean. At that point, I wasn't sure how I was going to pull it off or how I was going to tell my family and friends, but one thing I was sure of was that no one was going to stop me.

I spent the rest of the summer and school year planning the rest of my life. It was so much fun going over a budget and working towards a goal. Time finally came and I was leaving in a month. I packed up my whole life into two suitcases and was more ready than ever. I still believe that my close friends and family thought I was going to back out of it. I knew running the opposite direction because of fear would only get me further from my dreams. I didn't let it get the best of me because my life thus far had been unreal. The big day came and I boarded that plane like there was no tomorrow. The rest is history, a good history full of amazing memories.

It was my fault I hadn't spoken earlier and made those changes myself. He is a great man who loved me with all his heart. People change and the people we had become weren't the same people we were when we met. I am glad that I realized it sooner than later. For the record, we are much happier now than we both have ever been.

I guess my point with this story is that sometimes you think something is the end, but what you fail to see is that it's just getting started. You don't always live out the life you had imagined, but I promise you, the end result is better. I was always thought that I should want one thing with no other options. Don't cut yourself short, live out your dreams no matter what, and cross things off that bucket list everyday. No one can make those changes to your life but yourself. Get the courage, hold on to it and just go for it. You will only regret the things you didn't do and the things you never said.